Hollywood and Ana

With the release of To the Bone, there's been a swell of threads on MPA, posts on Instagram, and I'm sure it's all over Tumblr too. Unlike the release of Starving in Suburbia, this reaction wasn't quite as comical. Instead, the discussions talk about whether or not the movie was accurate, whether it gave you feels, how bad the contours were in certain lighting.
I won't be the first to forget there's a sea of much worse disorder movies. It's simply the best they could do at this point.
In my opinion, the worst crime they commit in making these movies is a lack of time-passing. Every one of them seems the span of a few days or weeks. The reality is that there is a great deal of waiting to do in an eating disorder. Time spent fighting hunger with no energy to do anything but sit there trying to ignore it. Or time spent running and exercising, trying to pass enough time to have burned enough off. Or time waiting for binge food to cook, or your unwilling dinner to come out of the kitchen, or simply counting out every calorie before eating. One of the biggest characteristics of your life is your indefinite patience, waiting to be thin. Waiting to see yourself as thin. There is no set date, no number which will click on the scale and release the shackles from your ankle like a combination lock. These movies make it seem as though things actually change and happen. I wish I could see a new number on the scale once a week, I don't even dream of a new one every day.
But that's how we go unnoticed. The longer it takes, the smaller the changes, the less people see. Whatever.

A Personal Update

Hello all. In this post I'm pretty much just gonna talk about myself so don't mind it not fitting my theme.

I've been doing pretty good recently. Back down to about 112lbs right now, or BMI 16.4 for my height. This week was spring break for the school I work at but next week is spring break for my college. So nice to finally not need to eat for work. I clean a full building of nine 4th and 5th grade classrooms daily for work. It burns plenty of calories and has finally gotten me into shape but it's sooo tiring. It's really hot here in Hawai'i so if I don't eat lunch there's a big risk to faint from the heat and effort.

My family has been not so great. They pay no attention to my ED as they always have but their fighting is quite stressful. I have been struggling with alcohol abuse from all disruptions they make, they are the ones who provide it to me too. I really like being distracted from things like that and being drunk is the easiest distraction I have access to.

At college, I'm doing great. I had a performance this week for the International Education festival, where I played violin solo's with the ensemble. It was very enjoyable to perform for a real audience, I haven't done it since high school and I loved it. I've gotten so much better at dealing with my anxiety about people.

Unfortunately.... My self worth and confidence is still in direct proportion to how much weight I've lost. It is my primary method of coping with daily stresses, but I accepted that fact a long time ago.

Thanks if anyone actually cares about my personal life... just thought I'd reconnect to my blog better than just my tips and Ana posts.

Plateau? Why You Aren't Losing Weight!

It inevitably happens at some point. Your weight just won't budge. You keep hitting the same number then gaining a few pounds back and even when you lose those, you can't get past a certain number. There are many causes for this and a few things that work to break through a plateau.

Reasons:
1. You Aren't Counting Calories Correctly:
There is a high chance that you aren't counting every calorie you intake, or that you are miscalculating them. Do some google searching and find out the real caloric values of everything you eat. Don't forget to count things like cream and sugar in coffee/tea; gum, mints, diet soda, butter, seasonings, oils that food is cooked in, and condiments. You could be simply leaving out up to 250 calories each day. This won't stop you from losing weight completely, but it can explain why you're losing slower than you should be. Also, measure things out at least once so you know what a portion REALLY looks like. Eyeballing and using certain bowls or plates doesn't control how much you're really putting on that plate.

2. You Are Counting NET Calories as Intake:
Firstly, you should understand that calories from food are not immediately absorbed and ready to be burned off. It takes about 4 hours for everything to be moved out of the stomach to where everything is really absorbed, and 12 hours for it to have been absorbed and converted to energy. Second, exercise burns your blood glucose stores, not fat. It takes hours of intense activity to reach pure fat metabolizing. That isn't something that calisthenics and cardio do. You are burning yesterday's calories today. Don't expect doing the "1000 calories work out" from instagram to burn everything you ate today {cause it really only burns around 250 calories}. If you are consuming 1800 calories but counting the calories burned by sleep and walking and studying and every little thing you do, AND adding your BMR; to total something like 400 Net Calories, you will not lose the same amount as consuming 400 calories and sleeping all day. Do NOT count purging as exercise or reduce the amount of calories consumed because you threw it up. Almost NO ONE can purge more than 80% of what they eat. Just don't purge in the first place, it doesn't help anything.

3. Water and Waste Weight:
The average body can hold up to 15lbs of water weight at any given time. Water is stored in muscles, the intestines, and your dermal layers of fat. Your body will hide this water from you. You may not even know how much until you lose it. If you suspect you're holding onto a lot of water weight, get a sweat going and work it all out! But don't forget to replace fluids lost through sweat. It won't be automatically put back as stored water weight. You should also watch your sodium, but don't try to cut it out. Salt is essential to human function. If you are constipated, you can have over 10lbs of poop stuck in you! Have a black coffee and go for a walk, it will get things going. I would tell you to avoid laxatives, but it's a personal choice to be addicted and risk shitting yourself in public. If you still think they're a good idea, google "rectal prolapse".

4. Metabolic Decline:
It is EXTREMELY RARE to have your metabolic rate decrease by more than 10% and only happens in extreme cases of inactivity and starvation. You will not be able to gain on less than 1500 calories unless you have a disorder such as PCOS which you will know about. Your doctor will figure it out pretty easily. So few people legitimately can't lose weight on less than 1500 calories, you probably aren't one of them. If you are, you knew that before you read this page.

How to Break the Plateau:
1. Increase Activity:
The easiest way to break a plateau is to increase your activity. As you lose weight, you need less calories to maintain your weight, and to counteract this, you should increase your calories burned everyday. Do more walking, add in an exercise routine if you don't have one already, or switch from one you've been doing for a while to a new one. It's simply scientific that increasing the energy out without increasing energy in will create a larger deficit and therefore a larger loss.

2. Change the Foods You Eat:
If you eat low carb, go high carb low fat. If you eat at the same time everyday, change the times. Switch up your food routine and eat things you don't normally have. There isn't really a theory behind this, but eating new foods will make you more cautious of the calories and probably count them more precisely. Your body could also be deficient in something, and eating new foods gives a greater chance that you'll get the things you've been missing. When you aren't deficient in any vitamins, your energy level will increase as well.

3. High Calorie Week:
Having one high calorie day WILL NOT BREAK THE PLATEAU. It does almost nothing to your metabolism. Keep in mind that your metabolism has no consciousness and is not aware of anything that you do. All it 'knows' is that energy is important and when it doesn't have enough, it won't use it up as freely. If you're eating below 500 calories a day, change to 800-1000 for ONE WEEK. Do more exercise if you're so worried about eating that much. Anything below 1200 is still considered a starvation diet. If you eat 400-800, get it up to 1300 or so. It takes more than a few days for your body to be willing to expend energy (calories) freely. It will only do so if there has been a steady and safe supply of energy long enough for it to adjust.

4. Fast Day:
Fasting for more than 48 hours puts the body under a lot of stress. You will feel this stress. There is no additional benefit for fasting longer than 48 hours. In fact, 24-36 hours is the most beneficial length for a fast. This should be your LAST resort, not your go-to solution. Eating a restrictive diet makes fasting even more dangerous because you already have deficiencies. You are more prone to dehydration, electrolyte imbalance, fainting, and sudden cardiac arrest than anyone eating a medically recommended diet of 1400-1800 calories for weight loss. (Yes, this is what normal dieters eat. Really.) Fasting for one day will help you break a plateau, but you should only do this if eating more for a week or any other method listed above doesn't work.

5. Detox/Cleanse:
If you have suffered intermittent constipation for a while, its safe to assume you have some toxins and waste that isn't being cleaned out in a timely manner. Doing a juice cleanse or detoxing by eating only fresh fruit and vegetables for 3 days to a week will help you get rid of those things. You could lose weight (break your plateau) because: 1) you can lose waste which has been delayed in emptying, 2) you can lose water weight since the body holds extra water when there are toxic things that aren't being removed, and 3) restricting your diet to juice, fruit, and/or veg will make having a deficit really easy since it's hard to intake more than your TDEE on those things alone. And when I say juice, I mean no sugar added, not sweetened, and not in massive quantities.

6. The Whoosh: An MPA Theory
This isn't something I've personally noticed but I figured I would add it here.
As you take energy from your fat cells, they replace the mass with water as a "place holder" for it to be put back. After you have been losing for long enough, the body let's go of the water and the fat cells collapse in a "whoosh" of loss.

Ana Coaches

It seems the internet has created a new reason for people to hate Pro Ana. The Ana Coach. 

He is a mystical being that magically gives you all the control you've ever wanted, you've finally found the real secret to skinny. Just send him nudes daily and he'll make all your fat disappear. 

Fat chance.

It's an issue which has come to my attention through my kik groups. Girls searching for a 'coach' to keep them in check and tell them how to not eat and not be forced to eat. I know this fad began with Starving in Suburbia, but it's getting worse all the time. There are a few big flaws in the idea of having someone to coach you.

In "mutual coaching" where both participants want to be coached by the other, it often becomes a sync'd cycle of bingeing and starving. Neither person has the control to keep the other in check. This is your normal buddy situation and is relatively harmless. 

The dangerous situation is, more often than not, men. I'm not a man hater, but they pose the biggest risk in terms of being a coach. Body checks are very close to provocative. One step further, they may ask for nude photos. Most of the girls who are looking for a coach are minors, making it child pornography. On the other side, even if they are trying to help you lose weight, the coaches I've met have little respect for health. There is a rare gem in the dirt, but it's mostly dirt. 

My advice to those who are looking for a coach is to start by being honest with yourself. No one can control you through the internet. No one can make you lose weight other than yourself. Don't put yourself at risk to predators because you think they can make you skinny or give you an eating disorder. It will never be worth it. If you can't do it on your own, why are you trying?

Hello 2017

Every New Year, pro ana sites have an insane influx of resolutioners looking for quick tips to lose weight. It's not your fault, everyone has goals and everyone takes a hit to the self esteem when they realize its a new year and they're stuck in the same old body. That being said, developing an eating disorder should not be on anyone's list of resolutions. Before you hope onto myproana.com and start asking around for an Ana Couch, learn a little about what you want and how to get there.

Most people want to be the type of "thin" that they see plastered across instagram's fitness or fitspo blogs; aka nice ass, tiny waist, perky little boobs and a thigh gap. I'm not going to declare this as the vision of beauty, but it is for many teens and young adults who find their way to pro ana blogs. This goal is a good one, but not an easily achievable one. This is not the body which is acheived by starvation diets. If you wish for such a body, here are my tips:
1) Get a book on nutrition, preferably one written by a doctor or someone with a degree in health sciences. Educate yourself on portions, macros, the process of digestion and what food really does to your body.
2) Begin an exercise regime. You don't need to buy a gym membership or exercise equipment or train for a marathon, but exercise is what shapes the body with weight loss. Exercise gives you the right kind of curves, as well as improving your physical and mental health.
3) Leave this blog once you've learned what you could. This, and other pro ana or ED related sites are not a healthy mind space. They will bring your self-esteem down, give you bad ideas, and there is always the risk of setting off disordered eating. You won't become anorexic by looking at them, and that should not be your goal.
4) Start developing happy, healthy habits. Walking instead of driving when you can, choosing more nutritious foods over what you like, and being positive about your body and mind are good ways to start. If you aren't happy now, losing weight alone WILL NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY. Happiness is a skill. Happiness is a full time responsibility. Thin ≠ Happy. Healthy=Happy.


If you are not part of this fad of New Years resolutions and lazy people who don't want to work for their body, you've probably been experiencing some major annoyances. Sweaty people on your gym equipment, longer lines at health food stores, a short stock of diet pills, etc. You're probably about half way done shedding your holiday pounds though, because you've really only gained a quarter of what everyone else does. Or you're attempting to quit purging or laxatives. Or you have some sort of "No More Bullshit" resolution because this isn't your first rodeo, but it won't be your last.

So Hello 2017. Scream it to the world. Yell it to your scale, your notebooks, your pill bottles, your binge foods. It's a new year! It won't be new for long. Every 7 years the body has completely rebuilt itself, replaced every live cell. If you're still in the same habits of 2010, you've got a long ways to go. Everything can change. Everyone can change themselves, their routines, their bodies. It starts with a single decision.

How much weight can you expect to lose from a diet?

I see it quite often, people start a diet expecting it will make them lose a lot of weight, they don't see the results they want, and they give up or end up binge eating.
Learning how to be realistic about how much you can lose and whether or not you'll be able to stay on track for a diet is very important.
First off, you should never try to reduce to less than 50% of your average intake overnight. It takes time to adjust, and this is the most common cause of bingeing. If you've been overeating recently, don't restrict to less than 1000 calories. Once you can manage that limit, you can try reducing it again.
Next, expect to lose water weight over the first days of a diet, but don't expect that rate of weight loss to continue during the whole diet. After the first 5 days or so, weight loss will likely slow to 0.5lbs-0.75lbs. This is normal, and may fluctuate through out a diet, don't give up or try to reduce your intake just because your weight loss had slowed.
Exercise. It's not always necessary to exercise, and often times diets are too low to have enough energy to work out. If you choose to start working out when you start your diet, it will make the weight loss slower at the beginning. Your body has to build muscle, and muscle weighs more than fat. After you've built up enough that you can exercise continuously without your legs/arms giving out, it will remain around the same level until you increase the intensity. You may experience weight gain because your body stores water to repair your muscles. If you're sore and you've gained weight, its safe to assume your holding water weight. It will go away as the soreness does. 

Exercise isn't about burning calories. Your own Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) burns over 1000 calories everyday, just by staying alive. Your Total Daily Energy Expenditure (TDEE) is close to 2000 if you leave your house everyday. This is where the bulk of weight loss is from. The purpose of exercise is to shape your body as you lose weight. Toning is what makes models look the way they do. It's up to you whether you exercise and it depends on what your goal is. 

If you decide to start an exercise regime, I recommend finding 5-10 Youtube videos which are within your ability range and alternating them. Make sure you have a variety, doing the same workout everyday will only help what it works on. There's no shortage of variety on the internet and all it takes is a few google searches. Calisthenics (sit ups, push ups, squats, etc) are minimal in effect and benefit. Look for things that get your whole body involved. Be creative and make up your own exercises. Find things that challenge you, but not so difficult that it's intimidating. Cardio burns the most calories and builds endurance, so it's a good thing to do, but don't get caught up in trying to burn off your whole intake. 

Learn about the body and how it works. Digestion and nutrition, but also how foods affect your emotionally and mentally. Knowledge is power. Knowledge about your body gives you the power to change it. 

Finally... stay calm! Stress is the number one trigger for overeating. Even if you don't do as well as you hoped for a day or two, it's not the end of the world, and it won't undo all of your progress. You will not store calories as fat unless it's above what you've expended. Also, remember that calories are not stored as fat until at least 12 hours after they were consumed. Food waste which is still in your body is what causes weight to spike the day after a binge. Bingeing because of weight gain is the most counterproductive thing to do. Just take it day by day and you'll get where you want to go.

Tumbling Through the Years

This month makes the 6 year anniversary of creating this blog. That also makes 9 years of disordered behavior. I've had my eating disorder for half of my life. I'm not sure how that makes me feel but saying it like this is a shocker. It's been my personal drama, my secret, my other half for so long. When something has grown with your personality, been the core of your life, been the only thing that you can hold on to for comfort during the years where you must learn to cope as an adult, how can someone expect me to tear it out of my life? This is why everyone has "given up" at trying to make me eat or recover. I can't separate myself from my so-called illness. It's my life, it always has been.